On The Verge

Let's be blunt, shall we?

I've had a nervous breakdown before. It was a few years ago and there's not a lot of people left around who had front row seats for it. I don't really remember the darkest parts, but rest assured the parts I do recall are miserable enough.

I couldn't function. Bathing, eating, sleeping, daily things were next to impossible. I ended up back in tifton for 6 months and then in a rehab. The latter was the best choice ever. Maybe i'll write that out later.

It was a scary time. I was too scared to sleep, to scared to stay awake. Regular panic attacks and crying fits and episodes of just pure terror. I worked very hard to get my life back and I never want to go back again.

Stress has always been a killer for me. I don't remember a time in my life when it wasn't present and often crippling. Even as a little kid. Paranoia and general anxiety all through school, panic attacks, nightmares, bouts of delusion. I never let it stop me though. I was always still trying, pushing, wanting more. Looking back, i was trying so hard that I think the problem was never really identified and handled as it should have been. It could appear as something not so serious, i was so good and covering. I'm not that good anymore.

4 months ago, I asked work for a change in hours. told them my body simply could not handle it anymore. yes, i had signed up for it. i was also told to tell them when it was too much. i did. last week's check was for 65 hours. i remember when 40 hours seemed insane. now add that to the daily stress of my chronic pain. add marital problems. i shouldn't be surprised that its coming back.

but i kind of am. i've never taken it to heart that this is real. i keep expecting it to go away. or that its just something i can "push through" as often as i've been told to. i'm starting to accept that its not that simple.

i can't work this much. hands down. HATE saying that. hate. but i can't. i don't want to end up in an institution. let's all be real and admit that is a suitable place for me. i've gotta have less hours or a different job. one that i can schedule doctors visits without it being a big deal. regularly go to physical therapy. see my family. 6 days a week not only stresses you out, but allows no time for the things in your life that DEstress you.

things that need to happen:
*i have to work less
*i need to start exercise again
*my diet has to go back natural
*physical therapy
*i should set aside costume time. being creative is my balm.
*friend time. regular and frequent.
*see the family.

TIME is the key to a lot of this. LESS with the things that damage my nervous system and MORE with the things that heal it.

some decisions to be made this week. fingers crossed and prayers at the ready.