This Week

went by Dr Jessica's today, cause I'm all about trying whatever necessary to fix all this. to go ahead and make life easier to live. they did some tests, including blood pressure, which turned out funny. why people don't believe me when i tell them, "that's my bad arm, use the other one" is beyond me. i could have saved you the solid 10 minutes spent trying to get an accurate reading. side note, anyone taking my blood should heed this too. i'm not kidding when i tell you its next to impossible to find and keep a vessel.

going back next week to see what means what. i also picked up my brain MRI so i can take that to...my neurosurgery appointment!! yeah, i go on Thursday. updates then, as to what they say. i find myself in this weird place of wanting him to say surgery and wanting him to say no. i think i'd rather him say yes, cause then the decision is on me. if he says no, i think i just really don't want to hear another dr say they can't help me or that i just need to suck it up.

Tim and I were looking up like, Chiari merchandise, like awareness merch. most of it, as per usual, was super lame, but some was super cute. it doesn't hurt that their awareness color is PURPLE!!! there was super cute one that said Real Men Wear Purple, loved it. lots of ribbons, and the like, i'm totally getting some. cause clothes make it better, not kidding, makes me happy.

i think i'm really waiting until the apt on Thursday to say anything even remotely publicly. calling family, posting this blog address, letting friends know. i mean, i'm really concerned with coming off as LOOK AT ME, blah blah.

i don't know that i will publish this. i want to be able to feel free to write things on there that are more incriminating, IE, how Brandon reacts to any of this.

Bleh

Yesterday was pretty discouraging. I just woke up feeling poorly. No energy, slow reactions, bugh. By the time work was over my right side was just not having it. My face even felt like it was getting in on the game, feeling weird and tingly.

With doctors leaning toward MS, i'm trying to wrap my head around "what does that mean for me?" The "for me" part is what matters. Every case is different and every person is different. This is something that progresses, and i'm scared. Where am I on the scale? I think about how much it has progressed without a diagnosis, where am i now? where will i be in 5 years, 10 years? what does that mean for work, marriage, family?

I carried 20 pounds yesterday. my arms hurt so much and are so weak today its ridiculous. that's disheartening, to not be able to do something that simple.

I see Dr Jessica this week and have an MRI scheduled. I'm hoping that some more natural alternatives will work, my body doesn't react well to Western medicine. With diet and regular chiropractic, maybe I can stave this off. That to me will be harder than brain surgery.

I'm pretty defeated today, all weekend in fact. I know that i'll pick it back up, i'm not gonna beat myself up for having a weak moment. You feel it, own it, then suck it up. If i don't give myself that chance, just push it down and bottle it up, it comes back to bite me in the ass.