How many times have any of us been told, "its all in your head?" You're mad over something no one else sees, have your feelings hurt over a comment that meant nothing, blowing things out of proportion. everyone says it or fears it at some point.
but how about when you doctor says that to you? again, and again. and the next doctor. for years. friends, family, co workers, teachers, don't have anything to say but finally, "snap out of it." you start to think you must be crazy, or maybe just that God hates you. you are the hypochondriac they said, you're just being dramatic, you want attention. see a shrink, your physical problems are merely manifestations of psychological issues.
its all in your head.
come to find out, you were right. it is. and i have the MRIs to prove it.
weeks ago my doctors found irregularities in my brain. my cerebellum is sinking into my spinal cord. sagging, if you will. my first thought was of old boobs. but yeah, it is. has been, for a long time. next post will be a pre game, a recap of how my body got here. so yeah, my brain is sinking into my neck. last check, 8mm lower than intended. doesn't sound like a lot. it is.
i have thoughts, ideas, supposals from doctors and research as to whats going on. don't really wanna throw specific names til the neurosurgeon gives it to me straight in two weeks. i wanted to blog about it, cause i've never heard of this until now. most of the time i'm cool with it, but occasionally it gives me the heebs and i gotta do something to feel better, talk it out. i never really understand how i feel about something until i talk/write about it.
so there. i hope its some small victory to those of you who told me, or thought, wow something's wrong with her. there was. it took 10 years to find out is all. i know i sound bitter, and i am, but mostly toward the situation. the idea that something could have been done sooner. and i have found snark to be a balm i'm comfortable with.
LYNjAMIN
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