I did. i always claim that to be the most bad ass moment of my life. I was 9 and furiously running away from the 4th grade attempt of sneaking into the back of the Agrirama with the other sleepover guests at Anna's house. I forgot the rusty fence I had so graciously stood on for the other girls upon our entering. Both legs caught in the tetnis day dream and i was slung to the ground. I removed the barbs and cried the whole mile home.
the first situation in life where i can think of where something was explained away that now is just a piece of the bigger puzzle.
Can't think of a definitive moment my body started to really be a problem. but here are some other pieces.
I have never been athletic, but really wanted to play, be a part of something, make el madre happy. effort made all the difference and i loved softball and just worked my ass off. but i couldn't hold the lightest bat up for the entirety of a pitch. yeah, it hurt, but more than that my arms just wouldn't.
i was diagnosed with carpal tunnel at 12. a condition it takes years of repetitive movement to develop, like i was a 40 year old stenographer.
by the time i was in high school i woke up nauseous every day. from then until now i would say i throw up on average 3 times a week. i remember refusing to eat breakfast because it made me sick, still being told i'd get used to it.
often times my leg feels like its "about to fall off." the best sensation comparison i can give you is that i stuck it in the blood pressure machine by the Walgreens pharmacy desk. like there's a belt tourniquet style at my hip. 18 years old is the first time i remember that. walking into the kitchen dragging my leg, telling my mom something is wrong with my leg. they still tingle and go numb and get crazy on me.
for a month this year i didn't wear pants. at all. even the jeans constant contact with my legs, pelvis and unmentionables was unbearable. put some on today and the car ride over proved to be more than problematic.
my ears ring. all the time. i can only listen to one thing at a time. i end up complaining a lot about music over the tv, videos over music, phone conversations in the car...competing sounds in my head are too much to take. i sleep with a box fan or the tv on, otherwise i can hear things in my ears, in my head.
my digestive system doesn't work like it should. bathroom time is a chore and must be planed for.
i get head aches. bad ones. that start at the back of my head and travel through my jaw to my eye leading to blurred vision and the inability to open my eye, my mouth. my shoulders hunch and cramp.
i feel "electric" currents in my limbs. my memory is going. i am so tired and sore all the time that even folding the laundry can be painstaking.
i've had seizures. the first time, i passed out in Calculus and thrashed on the floor. again a month later. and periodically through out college til now. i was carried out of Palmer twice, to much embarrassment. it happened at friends houses. family. school. work. uncontrollable muscle spasms that left me writing around on the floor with people just watching.
all that is merely physical. and its plenty reason to welcome any and all drastic medical treatment. but the mental, emotional is what is really driving me. cause all that physical craziness has led to much worse. failed classes, lost jobs, lost friends. ruined relationships, a severe lack of self esteem and trust issues worth many a therapists 50 minute hour.
that's why i want to get better. cause if i don't feel like crap all the time, i will have more energy to be the friend you deserved. i will have the strength to stand up for myself more. i will be happier and more productive at work. i will return your calls and text messages. i will go out more, enjoy things more. i will not think you hate me, hate myself, or think God is punishing me.
No comments:
Post a Comment